You need to know that selecting a right person is super important here. Make sure she’s one of those good type girls: a bit naive, seeing magic everywhere and still believing in good people but most importantly has no clue about non-attachment theory otherwise she can make you a testing bunny before you’ll use her. If you like challenges then select a girl who’s getting a lot of attention from men but doesn’t know her worth, has low self esteem and is insecure. The one who doesn’t know how to speak about her feelings and is trying to protect her heart in all possible ways. The one who’s trying to take control of every single part in her life just not to be hurt.
The moment when you’ll select a girl is no less important. Perfect timing when she just broke her heart. You probably know the saying that “a broken heart is an open heart, where the light gets in”, well not only the light can get there: it’s a highway straight to the most fragile part of her. Use it! Here I need to warn you: it can take a bit of time to earn her trust. That means you’ll have to give some attention to her, to show that you’re sincere and different than all those other guys who treated her as she would be a thing. Sometimes you’ll have to listen to her stories for hours, show her that you really care, that she and her story is important to you. Yeah I know, sounds tiring and boring but it’s just for the beginning and “the prize” is really worth it, trust me. Don’t worry if you’re not her type, it’s just matter of time and your persistence (..and maybe the right perfume).
Use her weaknesses and insecurities as the main bricks to build her dependence on you. Show her your charming personality and how much experience / knowledge you have about life and harmony. Don’t forget to tell her that you perfectly understand what she’s going through because you have been there before and know exactly how it feels.
Never ever forget to tell about the things she needs to improve or what she’s weak at but you can always skip a compliment part (tell something nice but as rarely as possible). In this case you’ll always have an excuse that you do say about good things she does and it’s her fault that she cannot remember those moments and is focusing only on the negative part. Maybe she is not as positive person as she thinks she is, ha! Don’t forget to tell her one of those well known quotes like “One day of happiness is worth more than a lifetime of sorrow.” (Victor Hugo). And if she’s is still complaining strike her by saying that the biggest growth is only when someone tells you about what you’re doing wrong or where you need to improve. Also use delaying gratification technique which will increase her pleasure of the pay off. Never heard about famous Mischel’s Marshmallow Test in 1960? Well, then read about it here. This theory is a real life saver because when you will delay her gratification and she finally will get what she wants, very likely she’ll discover that she needs less of it then she once thought she did or that doesn’t need the thing at all. Don’t forget to repeat this as many times as nasessary until she honestly starts to believe that it’s completely normal to not receive a feedback or just simple “thank you” from your side every time when she does something good to you or a compliment when she’s looking nice etc.
Challenge her. Every single time when you’ll have an opportunity for that. And be creative in here. Make her questioning everything she took as one and only truth, shake up her beliefs as much as possible. This will help you to stand out from the crowd of other men she has around and will keep her staying curious about you.
Make her feel comfortable and safe with you but never loose the power of taking control. Don’t ever tell that she’s a special one. NEVER. And I’m being very serious in here. She needs to know that she may look special to others but not to you. She needs to feel the difference between you and others. This will make her try even harder to be a better person in front of you because she doesn’t want to disappoint such a perfect guy like you, does she?
Be a good listener and patient: this can be really tiring but will let you discover the most sensitive, the most intimate part of her. Ah, almost forgot, remind her time to time that you’re dedicating your presence exclusively to her while you having so much other important stuff to do. She needs to know how pricelessly expensive your time is and that she needs carefully select the words by talking with you, always be aware and try to hear you from the first or second time because you hate repeating things – that really pisses you off.
Let her know a bit about your personal life, show some pictures or videos, some nice quotes, tell some of your secrets but not too much, just as much as needed to reveal the biggest of hers. And once she’ll tell you her biggest secret don’t forget to share it with all of your friends: they can give you some really good advices how to use that in the best way possible. It’s always good to have more opinions, you know. Sounds a bit amoral? Don’t worry, you’re not some kind of monster, she’s just your “testing bunny” and you’re free human being, you can do whatever you want. It’s only her fault if she’s feeling hurt, because it’s not on you it’s only on her. You know that “No one else can hurt us; we only hurt ourselves”, right? So don’t focus here on her feelings. Always take care of yourself first. You and only you are the most important. Never forget that.
Be there for her when she has tough moments in her life. Pretend that you care, watch her crying, bleeding inside-out with your eyes wide open. This can sound difficult but it’s not: try to imagine that everything you see is like a movie, that all those emotions are not real, far away and not touching you. If you still afraid that it can be too difficult for you, avoid any physical contact: don’t give her your shoulder, don’t hug her just simply watch and keep the distance. Those type of moments will be the best ones to put your knowledge about non attachment theory in practice.
For those who still have no clue what is non-attachment theory: “it’s about learning how to let go of the thoughts and emotions that create suffering. <..> Essentially, non-attachment is about letting go of everything, both physical and non-physical – or what spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle refer to as “dying before you die.” At first, this sounds scary, but dying before you die really only means letting go of everything that is preventing you from finding what is true, eternal, unchanging, and forever present. In the words of Tolle, “Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die – and find that there is no death.” So non-attachment, at the deepest level, is about returning back to your True Nature by loosening the grip of the mind on internal and external things.”
Well you also have to be aware that it is impossible to practice true non-attachment when we’re attached to the desire to be non-attached, but you know that, right? That’s not you, of course. You perfectly know what the real non-attachment is and you’re not attached to the desire of it.
So now when you became such an important part of her life, when she needs you like the air in her lungs it’s a perfect time “to cut all of the lines” before you’ll get attached to her. Kick her out from your life, from your presence. Don’t let her affect you. Do that as quick as possible but stay as calm as possible as well. Remember, “the process of detachment like being an ice cube that slowly melts down into a puddle of flowing water. Water, like the practice of non-attachment, flows with life effortlessly and peacefully, whereas ice cubes do not. The goal of non-attachment, therefore, is to become like water.”
Don’t worry if she’s already having a lot of problems in her life at the moment you’re kicking her out. This will be like a cherry on top of everything you learned along the way about non-attachment. No matter how tough it is for her you’ll feel consistently relaxed and serene because you’re not identifying with your thoughts and feelings (and instead you’re witnessing them as a “passive observer”). That makes her crazy. She cannot understand why you cared so much about her before and being so cold now. But let me repeat again, it’s not on you. Just on her. She’s attached to people and that’s her problem not yours. She’s just one of 7 billion people in the world. Just one of many others, nothing more. And she needs to solve her problems on her own without you involved in there.
You stay calm when she leaves: no special last day or evening for her, no last speech about how grateful you’re for everything she did or gave to you. Actually you leave before she leaves that you would not have to see her face while she’s leaving. You’re not attached to people, you realise that all the things are ephemeral. You feel a sense of expansive freedom because you’re no longer a slave to your mind. A feeling of true bliss, isn’t it? Especially for a person who has always been ruled by his thoughts.
You know that she still has a lot of questions to you, that she’s really attached and that is hurting her as hell, that no matter how strong she’ll try to forget you’re already rooted deep inside of her. You found the way to her heart, to her soul and left such a deep mark in there that there’s no way to get rid of you. That one day she definitely will come back beginning you for a friendship. It’s just a matter of time..
..and when that moment comes, when she finally texts you asking for a meeting, you’re ready. You know her expectations and you’ll show her how bad it is to have them.
You’re full of confidence when you meet her. You look into her eyes and no matter how strongly she tries to hide it you still see a seed of fear in there. You feel much stronger than she is and that makes you feel even more comfortable. She barely finds the right words to tell you about everything she wanted to say for a long time. Her speech is chaotic and you perfectly now why. You know that no matter how much time passed away she’s still attached to you and it’s still hurting her inside. Hurting so much that she cannot breathe. And yet that doesn’t affect you at all because you stopped being controlled by your emotions long time ago. You look straight into her eyes while you tell her that you have no room for a friendship she asks and see how much she needs to control herself to not burst into tears. You just took a power of control of a girl who always had a thought that she can control everything. Now she is in front of you completely powerless and fragile than ever before but that doesn’t stop you from repeating few more times that you don’t have time for a friendship with her. You need to make sure that you killed her before she killed you.
She keeps continuing with her main question “why?” and that really pisses you off. What a silly girl, she really needs to work on acceptance.
Before leaving her there speechless you tell that she’s playing a victim role and this is not nice at all. That she shouldn’t victimise herself in this situation because you didn’t do anything bad to her, did you? It’s all on her. On her perceptions, on her expectations and attachments. You are far away from this. You have way more knowledge than she has.
You know how to be detached.
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